You & I Collide

There it is again- the clash
Where everything I say
Seems to be the opposite of what you want to hear
There it is again- the laugh
Where everything we do
Produces endless endorphins
And all I know is I need you
Despite the clash of our opinions
Where what we believe is constantly tested
What I am sure of is our chemistry
The unshakable bond between us
That we all-too-often forget
So take my hand and wander back
Slipping into a time when things weren't complicated
Forget about forever right now
Focus on what's right in front of you
Maybe then the laugh will shatter the clash

Giving Up

It starts off so reasonably
I sound so at ease
And you're so irritable
It makes me want to scream
How did we end up like this?
Are you really so stubborn?
Am I really so annoying
For wanting to make my own decisions?
Where do you get off
Telling me what I can and can't do
While expecting me to be happy
And you watch as I do everything for you
I give you everything I have
And you shove your hands into bare pockets
Sigh and walk away
Because you're UNSURE of me
Yes, that makes sense
In your twisted universe
I'm so tired of giving and not getting
Of your looks that ask what's wrong
When the answer's in your mirror
And I'm just miserable
Because the man I love
Is impossible to please
And if there's an answer to our issues
It's buried deep in the ground for now

Prisoners

I wonder if there's somebody for everyone
A person who, through no fault of theirs
And no intention of your own,
Is achingly perfect for you
Their every glance makes you grin
Looking into their eyes gives you butterflies
That fly up into your brain and explode
Making you dizzy and giddy
And soon, being around that person is all you can think about
All you desire out of life is to hear them laugh
Their touch sends shockwaves through you
And when they're around, life feels complete
What happens when you lose that person
And realize you've got to live without them somehow?

I wonder if my thoughts of him will ever cease
I wonder if imagining life as it could've been
Will ever NOT make me cry, in time
And if those dreams of him will fade
And with them, all that's left of my heart

What's the use of having a heart
If you're too afraid to use it?

Necessary

"What do you want?" He asks me
And I wonder if I should answer honestly
What I want doesn't matter
Because I never quite attain it
And perhaps I shouldn't
Because it'd never turn out good that way
But it hasn't really otherwise

"What do you need?" He asks me
And I wonder if I'll ever know that for sure
What I need is impossible to define
Because nothing seems to cure me, make me whole
And maybe it's not supposed to
Because I have to be broken
But I am rather sick of that

Honesty and certainty
Become forces that are hurting me
Because that's not life
That's not anything familiar to me
I've lived a little while
And the one thing I'm scared of
Is that it'll never get any better
That I have to keep surviving
When I'm so tired already

I want him
And I need you

Torn In Two

He asks her quite bluntly
Tired of all her meandering

"If both of us were standing
Side by side
Both offering you redemption
A life of ease and company
Both lifting you up, helping you breathe
Easing your burdens
Which one would you choose?"

But it's not a fair question
One isn't really offering that, not for sure
His could crumble at any second
It might not exist at all

Pick the sure path, her mind screams
Pick the one that makes sense
But she hesitates with fear
Will the one holding out his hand for her
Be able to handle her baggage?
And is she giving up something magical
For something that will drift away?
Would he be what he says
Even if she confessed
How completely torn in two
Her heart feels
 

Well, Actually...

No, see the thing is
I've never really cared about diamonds
And believe it or not
I've never dreamed of the day
When I'm ushered down the aisle
Being bonded to someone else
Has never made it into my fantasies
I love you, with everything in me
And I want to make you happy
But please try to understand-
I'm independently content
And if I rely on you for my well-being
And you fail me
It'll end me
I have to be strong
For no other reason than the chance
The chance that you'd wake up one day
And no longer need me around
I have to be able to leave quietly
Emotionless as the weight crashes onto me
I have to not need you

Understand That You'll Never Understand Her

She's rude
Obnoxious
When she's honest
People get scared
So she lies every day
She's filled his ears
With what he wants to hear
Occasionally she tests him
Showing bits of herself
Letting him see inside
To her molten core
He's horrified
They're always horrified
They always get confused
Why can't she just be normal?
Why can't she just be sweet?
Why can't she have steady dreams?
Doesn't she realize
She has to let go
Don't they see
She's bound to the darkness
Intertwined in it
All she wants
All she ever wanted
Was someone who'd listen
As the truth-
Black and pure-
Spilled out of her mouth
Condescendingly
Unabashedly
And he'd understand
That she is slanted
And no true reflection
Will ever be found

My Choice

I used to be so weak

That I grew unbelievable hard
It was the only way to become strong
I used to have a hundred voices
All telling me what not to do
And it got to the point
Where I blocked them all out

If you want a girl who's soft and sweet

Kind, gentle, and always loving

Keep looking, keep walking

You'll find that I can love

But it's tempermental, never complete

I always hold onto something

Or hold off on trusting completely
If you want a girl who'll listen to you
Follow you blindly, behave herself properly

Don't pause anywhere near me

You'll see that I'm stubborn, impossibly so

That I don't always do what I'm told

And all too often, I simply tune out

I've been the minority

I've had others speak for me

Don't tell me to follow

I'll spark up your life

But you'll never tame me

Why do you want to?

Undesired

I wonder if I'll ever fit



Into the mold they've prepared for me


Instead of the girl who dances through life


My steps so often falter


Instead of the beauty who's like all the others


I'm comfortable roughed up and un-made up


Instead of charm


I give them sarcasm


Instead of grace


I possess strength


Instead of love


I'm filled with pain


And that mold-


That 'good girl' mold-


Remains cold and unfilled


It's for a better girl than I


One who doesn't have to always lie


One who smiles and means it


And doesn't long for the wrong things


One who'll accomplish good in this world


She's the one


They all believe I can be

Fading In and Out

One minute I am smiling
The next I want to cry
As I realize you are here with me
And he's a fond goodbye
One moment you fill me up
With happiness and dreams
The next I see his face
And I cannot even breathe
One second I can see it all
A life of ease with you
The next I dream that somehow
All my dreams come true
And I wonder how fair it is to either of us
Do we need to put up such a fuss?
Could this ever all turn out
Will I ever lose all my doubt?
You're as perfect as they come
And I leave you feeling numb
Wishing he'd walk in magically
And you'd walk out peacefully
 

He's always there
When you're not enough

Winter Wonder

“I’ve bought her a half a dozen different necklaces,” Nigel shakes his head as if trying to clear it. “And you know what?” Rupert stares at him, biting his lip. A moment of silence passes before Nigel can finish. “She still wears the one you got her for her 18th birthday. You didn't even pick it out...your sister did. But for some reason, she sees you when she sees it. She wears it to feel connected to you, like it’s proof that you were in her life once.”
Rupert tries to stop him. “Hey, man-” he starts.
“No,” Nigel waves him off. “It’s ok. I know it’s not your fault. But I think I’m finally starting to realize that it’s not mine either- and I don’t even think it’s hers.” He stares out the diner window at the snow blowing around. “I don’t think we choose who we love. I tried…tried to make her love me. But you’ll always be the one who has her heart. Maybe that’s why she likes that necklace so much,” he smirks bitterly. “It’s become her trademark, almost, wearing her heart on her neck.”
Rupert decides to take another approach. He bites into his burger- it’s good. Juicy but not dripping. He swallows, not without difficulty, and starts saying the first things that come to mind. “You know, it was weird growing up with her. It’s almost like every time I looked at her, she was looking at something else. And every time I guess she ‘noticed’ me or whatever, I wasn’t interested. We didn’t get the timing right.” He shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant. “She seemed really happy with you. I didn’t figure I should get in the way of that. She deserved better than what she had before you…” he purses his lips. “But I didn’t think I could give it to her, ya know? She was always out of my reach.” Rupert leans back in his chair, focusing on his French fries and letting everything else blur. “Maybe we were too much alike. We were puzzles. And neither one took the time to solve them- time was something we never had enough of. I’m sure if we’d spent more time together we’d have driven each other crazy. I didn’t get her. And I didn’t want to.”
Nigel sighs, absently stirring a fry into a bowl of ketchup. “She would’ve wanted to come with me. To see you. I couldn’t even tell her I was coming…I didn’t want to see the hope in her eyes. Like that night of the party,” he half laughs. “she kept looking at the door, wishing you would come through it. Someone mentioned your name- you should’ve seen her face. It just went blank. Like she was blocking out her emotions. I’m sure you’ve seen that face, too.”
Rupert half frowns and nods. “Yep. It always confused me. I wondered why she seemed to think emotions are a negative thing.”
“She’d only ever felt fear,” Nigel responds, giving her standard reply when he asked her that very question. Rupert clears his throat, trying to snap Nigel out of his daze. It’s making him uncomfortable. Nigel looks at him finally, but it’s with a sad look in his eyes. It offers no comfort. “She’ll get over me,” Rupert says this firmly, as if he believes it.
“She can’t. You changed her. Somehow, without meaning to, you changed the very way she views love. And you gave her hope. If she loses you…I’m afraid of what it’ll do to her. I’m afraid she’ll stay with me and end up in pain. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose her. I don’t know what to do anymore.”


“Let me talk to her.”


The wooden bridge is cold, but not insufferably so. There are no animals out tonight. Everyone and everything is hibernating. Starlight and moonlight are shrouded by clouds that offer snow. The fluffy, powdery white stuff that covers up everything that’s dead and ugly and makes it beautiful. Maybe if I stay out here, it’ll work on me, Ivy smirks as the thoughts, gloomy as usual, pass through her like waves.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. She’s supposed to spend it with family and friends, smiling and drinking eggnog and singing songs. If only she felt like moving.
Life without him isn’t working very well. Thoughts of him used to fill her, spark her dreams and make her daydreams come alive. But every moment spent with Nigel erases the clarity of her memories of him. Ivy wonders if she’s a truly terrible person. Nigel loves her dearly, and she loves him. Well, she loves the way he makes her feel alive, the way he obviously cares about her. She loves feeling like she’s worth something. But could she live without him?
The question is already answered for her, but she cannot share it. She promised him a good life, one in which she’d be happy and always with him, so long as he wanted her there. And she hated to break a promise. He reads her mind and actions far too well. She thought she was being clever, hiding the longings of freedom and the urges to run somewhere he couldn’t follow her to. But he knew all along and begged her to stay. Any hope she’d had of the life she’d grown up dreaming of was gone now.


There’d be no adventures into the unknown.


No dazzling landscapes to explore.


And no way to be alone, where she couldn’t hurt anyone- least of all herself.


With her life mapped out for her so kindly by him, she saw a predictable future. And part of her was happy. She digs her fingers into the wood, remembering the night he brought her to a lovely country home, telling her he was thinking of renting it so they could live together. That night, it almost seemed like there was some magic after all. But too often he told her to wait. Too often he talked about ‘someday’. And so she dreamed of another kind of magic. And she started talking to an old friend. And then the unthinkable happened- she felt sparks. She felt alive. She felt hope and love and butterflies and longing just thinking about him. Is it possible to love someone you can never be with? Ivy wonders if there is anyone who was not guilty of that. Is it possible to make the guy who fell for you think you still love him and him alone? Barely.
Footsteps on the bridge. She looks up. His face is taunt as he takes in her appearance. She’s frail now, having lost her appetite several months ago. A coat hangs off her bony shoulders. Dark circles under eyes, but not from lack of sleep- just from crying, like she is now. Tears stream down her face and she doesn’t even notice. They’re far too common lately. He’s surprised they don’t freeze into tiny icicles on her pale cheeks. There is no fight left in this girl, nothing to hint at that familiar smile that could light up a room.
He comes and sits beside her, ready to tell her what she needs to hear in order to move on, away from the pain. He places a hand on her icy fingers. “Ivy,” he begins, and at the tone in his voice, she jerks away as if slapped. “Don’t,” she croaks, her voice agonized.
“You need to hear the truth,” he says, doubting that now, after seeing her so weak. “Please,” she whispers, trying to stand up but ending up on her knees. His voice falters. It would take a heartless soul to break a girl so obviously broken. He finds he can’t do it. Instead he reaches over and pulls her into lap, holding her until her breathing becomes normal again. She fits inside his arms too easily. She clears her throat. “Thank you,” she murmurs into his chest.
“I know.”
“What do you know?” He asks, smiling despite himself at her defiant voice. Her sorrow always comes across as anger. “I know you never cared for me the way I did you. I know you don’t want me. And I wish…” More tears, then a sigh and squaring of shoulders. “I wish I was stronger. I wish you didn’t have such a hold on me,” she strokes his cheek. “And I wish I had tried to get you when it was still possible. Even though I wouldn’t have succeeded,” she smirks. “At least I would’ve known it wasn’t meant to be. But now I’ll always wonder. No matter what you say, or how you feel, I’ll always wonder if I could’ve made you like me.”
Her brows wrinkle, “Love me.” she whispers, correcting herself, but it comes out a plea that doesn’t want to be answered if it’s going to be rejected.
The snow begins to fall. He holds her, afraid to squeeze to tightly, as if she’ll break if he does. Maybe she will. She drinks in his scent, his warmth, his comfort. It’s temporary, an illusion, but it’ll supply her with flawless dreams again and she’s greedy for more. “You want to know something stupid?” She smiles, a hint of the real thing. “I think I’d stay asleep forever if it meant I could always see you.”
“Ivy…” His voice is almost a warning and it stabs her. “Sorry,” she says, wishing that for once, she could say the things that passed through her mind without being criticized for them. “No, don’t be,” he says, rubbing her arms, trying to get her warm. “But you should stay awake.” She looks up at him, and he brushes her lank hair out of her eyes. “You should wake up, Ivy,” he says, more strength in his voice now. “This is no way to live, and I won’t let you just drift through life.”
“I could be happy, couldn’t I?” She says, a statement more than a question. “Yes, you could-” he says, about to say more when she cuts him off, her voice full of acid.
“I could be happy and pretty and I could pretend like the world isn’t a dark place, where bad things happen to good people, and sometimes you reach out for God and you can’t hear Him, can’t feel Him. I could forget my daydreams and stay in the present, I could marry Nigel and live happily ever after in a small house with a small career and never do anything of consequence, but come on, kids, isn’t that better than being a failure?” She spits out the words with a whole new vibrancy to her.
“I’d be empty, but I suppose since I am a heck of an actress I could pretend all through life like I’m content. And he’d be happy to have me there, smiling and agreeable, but he’d never know me. Do you know he never tried to? Every time I tried to share what was really in my head, he’d draw away, making me think there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t rainbows and puppies. You were the one who thought maybe I’d fail, maybe I wasn’t good, maybe I was difficult and hard to comprehend. No. I can’t be truly happy. Not anymore.” She stands up now, and walks off the bridge, leaving him holding nothing but her words. He sits for a moment, slightly undone, then jumps up and follows her.


Through the clearing he sees her. She’s in the middle of a large pond, holding a sharp stick in one small hand. Crouching down, she’s chipping away at the ice that separates her from the icy water. He watches, confused for a moment, then as realization hits he jumps forward, onto the lake but not all the way to her. Because he just heard a crack that sounded as if the world were splitting open. “Ivy, look at me,” he commands. Her glare is the only response. She doesn’t stop slamming the stick into the ice with all the force in her small body. “I’m tired of being numb, Rupert. I’m tired of knowing what’s going to happen and being powerless to stop it. I’m tired of expectations and questions that I can’t answer. I’m tired of being angry.” He’s unsure of what to do.
“Do you want me to save you?” He asks bluntly. She drops the stick, surprised. He hasn't said what she needed to hear, what he thought was appropriate. He said what he was thinking. It wasn't necessarily nice, but it was honest. She looks taken aback for a moment. Looks at him with a strange smile. She runs over to him. They stand a few feet apart. She’s breathing heavily, color returning to her face, a twinkle in her eye. She leans over and scoops up a wad of snow, flinging it at him hard. He registers the shock then throws some at her, grabbing her arm and pulling her off the lake, relieved but still worried. She shoves him and he falls easily onto the bank, twisting her as he falls so she lands on him, with her back against his stomach. Ivy sighs. She turns and rests her elbows on his chest, staring down at him without tears now.
“You already did,” she says smugly.
“I did what?” He asks, thoroughly confused by her erratic behavior.
“Thank you,” she says, still smiling, standing up and brushing herself off. He sits up. “You’re welcome…for what?” She leans down and looks him in the eye. “For saving me. For the fact that you came out here to tell me a lie that even you don’t believe…and for not being able to say it.” She holds his face in her hands and pulls it so close their noses nearly touch. “Can you tell me the truth? Can you say it out loud? Or are you afraid that if you do, everything will crumble and your life will change?” She speaks softly and it’s nonsense to anyone else. He understands all too well. She smiles for real now, her tired face lighting up at his grimace. “It’s okay. Love doesn’t always make sense, you know.” Ivy stands and walks away from him, and this time he lets her disappear into the forest, knowing that her bare feet will barely leave prints in the snow, but somehow sure she’s no longer cold. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel cold either. Instead he’s filled with heat. Magic. Her magic, that he’s always denied himself of. It lingers in the air like perfume and finally, he accepts it, takes hold of it and understands.

It doesn’t ever make sense.

Why I Can't Kill Things

My boyfriend likes to kill things. I don't have those genes. I like watching violent movies. I like trying to throw people around, wrestling, punching, ect. I like shooting my longbow. At a target.
He wants me to come hunting with him. I wouldn't have to kill anything, he says.
Can I kill you for suggesting it? I wonder.

I grew up next to a park, protected trees that surrounded me and comforted me and shielded me when I wanted to be shielded. They're what spark my imagination, housed my daydreams and held my tears. I never needed to talk in the forest, which made me instantly at home. There was the possiblity of danger- hunters. My parents didn't like me going out on my own or with a small dog, because what if someone kidnapped me? One day when I was out with my terrier I met 4 guys with guns. It was one of those, "Um, hi," moments when I really, really wanted to run from them.
Hunters scared me.
I hated hunters.
I HATE hunters.
I heard guns go off in the distant and winced. I hoped they'd miss.

Why kill something? What's the pleasure in taking life?
Michael (boyfriend) says that's what God put them on the earth for.
I said, oh. What about Fido? You gonna shoot your dog for meat?
No, he says.
That's right, because dogs give us pleasure just by BEING there. Well, wildlife gives me pleasure just by being there. I saw deer scramble away from me in the woods and frowned. I wonder if they'd be afraid if we didn't kill them, get in the way of their migration and lands then curse them for running into the highways?

I saw a baby deer gaze at me and I saw it in her eyes- do I need to fear you? Are you going to hurt me?

Now every time I watch rabbits and squirrels outside my apartment I smile at their antics. Sandpipers in Hawaii fascinted me, skipping around. Monk seals bask in the sun and don't fear humans because they are protected. Same with sea turtles. Crabs don't fear anyone. But they do like to snap at flip-flops.
I don't eat seafood. It taste like the ocean or a pond to me. I like meat, but I can go weeks without it and not miss it. And then I like my animals pumped full of hormones and bred to eat. I wish they'd kill them more humanely, but oh well, at least I don't have to see the life go out of their eyes.

Maybe that's it. I fear what taking a life would mean. I view those animals as I would my own pets.

I remember our Beagle, Cleo, on her last days at our house. I looked into her eyes and I said please don't leave me. She said calmly that she had to, but she'd miss us. I've held puppies as they died. Came into the dogshed as one succumbed to a painful death, listened to his last howls became my pained, frustrated tears. Watched as the one I fed for 4 weeks couldn't breath, lungs too small. I rescued countless birds that flew into the windows and got dazed. I put them in branches so the cats couldn't nibble on them. I remember holding a cardinal and setting in a tree only to have its head loll to the side, neck broken. It was still warm in my hands. Not wanting to have it be eaten, as nature demanded, I buried it in Mom's flower garden under a stone.

There is no pleasure in watching Death. Not for me.

Undeniable

He's disappearing
You're washing him away from me
My memories of him fade
And I lose all my flawless dreams
He's gone
I'm healed, I guess
No more holding on to a past
That never could've turned out right
But still sometimes I see it
In a flash of pure destruction
A starlit room of flowers and tulle
Where everything I want is there
And I'm afraid of it
Until he takes my hand and reassures

Will I get anything that good in real life?
Will I have what I saw in that dream?
Is it possible to fully let go
Of something that felt so good and right?

Every moment with you
A piece of him fades
And I try to just move on
Brush away the pain
Life is going on, for all of us
Square your shoulders, girl
The battles are just beginning
And you are the lone soldier
I can't let you see me this way
My dreams have ended
Now there is only life

Full of its own ups and downs

A Walk In The Park

They stroll through the trees
And she whispers her thoughts
He listens quietly, never judging
She falls into a bench next to him
Crying quietly
Tears flow down her face but her voice stays steady
She confides to him alone-
"I've been living a lie for too long now
Hoping my feelings would fade
But every time I think of him
I smile...and I cry
The smile's for the good times we had
Back when we could get close
And got as close as we could
The crying is because I never told him
Never said the words required
To make him love me
Never responded when he held out his hand
I was too afraid he'd let it go eventually
Now my prediction has come true-
I'm longing for a guy I pushed away
And if my dreams came true
I'd have him in my arms every night
But I'm bound to someone else
And I'm afraid I can't get free easily
I never minded these shiny binds
Before I realized I wanted something more
Now I'm being haunted by a living guy
The thoughts of him just captivate me
Taking place of what I should be doing."
Her tears suddenly become sobs as she cries,

"Why didn't he want me?"

He tries in vain to soothe her
As she falls back into the hole
That she's fought her whole life to get out of
"I don't know what to do," she finally whispers
"Tell him," he says calmly. "He should know."

Looking For Something I've Already Found

Will I ever find someone
Who would simply try to understand me
Someone I could confide in
That would help me find some answers?
Someone to save me
When I claim I'm just fine
Someone I desperately need
Who feels the same way about me?
And if I find him
If I already have
Will I push him away
Will I screw everything up
Just because I still believe-
in my confused head I am convinced-
That I don't deserve true happiness
Giving love to someone else comes so easily to me
Too easily sometimes-
I fall in love with every smile I recieve
But getting it back has never been simple
Especially when I truly long for it
And I'm left to wonder this forever-
Will I ever remain satisfied?

Don't Go There

How many times do I have to watch
As the people I love
And who claim to love me
Make such selfish choices
Everyone who cares for them is screaming
Begging them to make the right decision
Not just for now but for eternity
And they just don't seem to grasp it
That their decisions in life don't just affect them
It affects everyone who loves them
They're family and friends
That wish they'd do the right thing for once
Instead of following their lying hearts
And I just wish I could grab them
Look them in the eye
And tell them it's not about you
It's about the ones who surround you
THEY make up your life
And you're forcing them to support you
Down all your twisted paths
But you should know that if they told you the truth
You wouldn't like it much

I Had To Do It

I'm searching for something
Something I've already found
Something I can't have
And I desperately need
But what does it matter
And what does it mean
To have had something potentially magical
That slipped through your hands
You made me leave him
And it broke me apart
These invisible chains
Have never felt so heavy
And I just want to see him again
I just need to tell him the truth
And figure out why we never made it
I need closure
And for once
I'm gonna get what I need

Don't Let Me Fall

Looking at him, playing that guitar so well
His hands move so fast it entrances me
I can't help but smile
I look at his face
And he's off in another world
So absorbed in that instrument
I could almost slip away unnoticed
When he straps on that guitar I don't exist
And I wonder if I made it all up
Do I really make his life better
Or does he make mine bearable?
Am I no longer sacrificing for his sake
And now taking all I can get from him?
And what is my escape plan now
To implement when he finds me out
When I force him to say goodbye
Because this isn't love
It's not right, not good, not perfect
This eats me up inside
Leaves a hole in me
One I'm scared to sink back into

Will You Be There?

What if I make mistakes
as we both know I'm bound to do?
What if I screw us up somehow?
How am I supposed to recover from that?
We both know there's no going back now
no way to break up and erase this last year
If we did that, then it was all for nothing
Only memories and a few thoughtful gifts to remind us
And we'd be expected to move on-
an impossible task
but this is my dilemma- no turning back
But no moving on, you say
Not yet, just wait
But I'm SICK of guys wanting me to wait
If you want me fine, great!
But you have to have me now, quick
As I am and as you are
Because I'm TIRED of waiting for what I want
Knowing it'll come 'someday' only makes me wonder...
Why not today?
Why do I have to wait for everything that's good in my life?
I can't be part of your world yet, not fully
as much as I'd like to be
I have to wait, I'm supposed to
No matter how much it hurts

Let Go

You feel free
Because that's what you are
I've never pretended like I had a hold on you
You can do as you please
Come and then go if you choose
Because if you're with me
It's because you want to be
Because you've seen all you need to see
And chosen me instead
Chosen to live a life with me
Because I don't want you
Until you're sure you don't want to leave
I don't want someone beside me
That's still lost in fantasies
I don't understand why you wouldn't want the same thing
Why you can't see the ways you slowly strangle me
How tightly you hold while I gently struggle
To make you see
I'm letting you have me
But not fully yet
I'm not a piece of property that you can own
Just let me go
And I promise I won't hurt you

necessities

there's this boy that i love
that i always have
and i'm afraid...i always will
he's the one i always dreamed of having
i needed him to be as close as possible
but he's gone
the boy i loved is gone forever now
and i really miss him
he was fun
and rude
blunt in an innocent way
naughty in a goofy way
always trying to be cool
and when he stopped trying, he WAS
attractive, intense, smoldering me
he was the only guy i wanted
the only one i wanted to be with forever
but i lost him
now he's not even a close friend
not even interested
and i just wish i could've gotten to know him better
because i think
he was fantastic