There it is again- that wall
It comes up subconsciously when you start ordering me
What to do and don’t and how to not do it
And before I’ve even crossed a line-
Because I was simply admiring it-
You say stop and I turn, bewildered
Every impulse in me to disobey shoots off
No guy is allowed to order me around
No man tells me what I can’t do, how I should behave
Save your lessons for your dog, I almost say
‘Submissive’ has never been part of my vocabulary
Then I pause
And I break down the wall
Because I see it too- the path we could go down
Full of unnecessary drama
Fights and issues, hurting you and me too in the end
All to prove a worthless point
So I kick myself for even saying anything
And vow to swallow my pride
Thus proving my love for you
Outweighs everything
The Hardest Thing
It Was Always You
As we grew up, I dreamed of him
Even as I said I’d never want a guy
I’d catch his eye and be startled at the emotion I felt
Even as I tried and succeeded at being the tough girl
She told me he wanted to save someone
And I wanted it to be me
Even when I didn’t see him for months
As soon as I did, our pattern continued
Our way of getting so close then shying away
The smell of his cologne drove me mad
The desire to have him closer never faded
The way I’d hang onto his every word
And he’d duck his head bashfully and laugh along with me
Eyes shining and laughs bouncing
The things he’d remember made my head spin
Every inside joke and loaded question intrigued me
My heart raced just to have his attention
Even when I was with someone else
Part of me still wanted to be with him
Even as he lies to me, I listen eagerly
Even though he’s got no future, I want to be part of it
Even though he’s wrong for me….
Well haven’t we all loved someone who always remained
Just beyond our reach?
Beyond your View
If there was something else you wanted to do
You would tell me, right?
He asks me so innocently and I almost laugh
At the irony of that question
There is so much I don’t tell him
But mostly, lately, my secrets only number one
The fact that I’m always dreaming of what I can’t have
You merely mentioned he was leaving soon and I went numb
My mind already racing with ways to make him mine
There is nothing I want to do
And nowhere I need to be
Because of you and the invisible chains
You have fastened tightly around me
Once someone saves your life
You’re forever in their debt
It’s as if one burden is taken away from you
And another unbearable one replaces it
I never realized how hard it’d be
To make you happy- it means staying pout
When all I WANT to do is run away
Into his arms
Even At My Worst He’s There
One day I walked until I fell
My heart so heavy I couldn’t bear it
Unless I was standing still
I sat wedged between two fallen trees
Out there, feeling of loneliness are allowed to be
So my pent-up confusion flowed down my face
My anxiety dug through the rotting bark
My pain cringed over the calm creek
The feeling I hide from everyone else
Are freely released in my safe forest
Then the feelings passed, leaving me empty again
My phone buzzed unrepentantly
I looked through bleary lenses
I love you
He wrote, just a random reminder
Of why I can’t be the girl who cries alone anymore
Of why I have to be strong and survive
Of why I need to trust and be willing
To share my thoughts with animate objects
One day I wanted to run away from him
And he made it impossible for me to go
Without even knowing what I was thinking
Why I LIE
Because it doesn’t HURT you
The way the TRUTH would
Because that way you don’t SEE
How DARK I tend to be
Because HONESTY for me
Is blunt, HARSH, and unfeeling
Because all through my LIFE
Lies were the ONLY way I survived
Because the WAY you’d look at me
If I blurted out the TRUTH
Would be unbearably disappointed and SHOCKED
Because it’s all I know
It’s all I’m CAPABLE of
Because I’m AFRAID of truth
It’s so rarely necessary
So rarely HELPS anything
So rarely SAVES me
Because it’s easier for BOTH of us
Stop and Go
Instead of the brakes?
Suddenly you’re surging forward
When you meant to slow down
The car jerks ahead and your brain gets confused
It’s the strongest sensation ever
The damage will be inevitable
For once you lunge forward
It’s hard to brake than keep going aimlessly
Harder still to reverse than break
Yet our instincts propel us to go back
Knowing the danger that can be caused
When you mean to slow down and find yourself speeding up
Careening towards a certain doom and terror
I’ve got to slam on my brakes
Instead of speeding towards that cliff
