"What do you want?" He asks me
And I wonder if I should answer honestly
What I want doesn't matter
Because I never quite attain it
And perhaps I shouldn't
Because it'd never turn out good that way
But it hasn't really otherwise
"What do you need?" He asks me
And I wonder if I'll ever know that for sure
What I need is impossible to define
Because nothing seems to cure me, make me whole
And maybe it's not supposed to
Because I have to be broken
But I am rather sick of that
Honesty and certainty
Become forces that are hurting me
Because that's not life
That's not anything familiar to me
I've lived a little while
And the one thing I'm scared of
Is that it'll never get any better
That I have to keep surviving
When I'm so tired already
I want him
And I need you
Necessary
Torn In Two
He asks her quite bluntly
Tired of all her meandering
"If both of us were standing
Side by side
Both offering you redemption
A life of ease and company
Both lifting you up, helping you breathe
Easing your burdens
Which one would you choose?"
But it's not a fair question
One isn't really offering that, not for sure
His could crumble at any second
It might not exist at all
Pick the sure path, her mind screams
Pick the one that makes sense
But she hesitates with fear
Will the one holding out his hand for her
Be able to handle her baggage?
And is she giving up something magical
For something that will drift away?
Would he be what he says
Even if she confessed
How completely torn in two
Her heart feels
Well, Actually...
No, see the thing is
I've never really cared about diamonds
And believe it or not
I've never dreamed of the day
When I'm ushered down the aisle
Being bonded to someone else
Has never made it into my fantasies
I love you, with everything in me
And I want to make you happy
But please try to understand-
I'm independently content
And if I rely on you for my well-being
And you fail me
It'll end me
I have to be strong
For no other reason than the chance
The chance that you'd wake up one day
And no longer need me around
I have to be able to leave quietly
Emotionless as the weight crashes onto me
I have to not need you
Understand That You'll Never Understand Her
She's rude
Obnoxious
When she's honest
People get scared
So she lies every day
She's filled his ears
With what he wants to hear
Occasionally she tests him
Showing bits of herself
Letting him see inside
To her molten core
He's horrified
They're always horrified
They always get confused
Why can't she just be normal?
Why can't she just be sweet?
Why can't she have steady dreams?
Doesn't she realize
She has to let go
Don't they see
She's bound to the darkness
Intertwined in it
All she wants
All she ever wanted
Was someone who'd listen
As the truth-
Black and pure-
Spilled out of her mouth
Condescendingly
Unabashedly
And he'd understand
That she is slanted
And no true reflection
Will ever be found
My Choice
I used to be so weak
That I grew unbelievable hard
It was the only way to become strong
I used to have a hundred voices
All telling me what not to do
And it got to the point
Where I blocked them all out
If you want a girl who's soft and sweet
Kind, gentle, and always loving
Keep looking, keep walking
You'll find that I can love
But it's tempermental, never complete
I always hold onto something
Or hold off on trusting completely
If you want a girl who'll listen to you
Follow you blindly, behave herself properly
Don't pause anywhere near me
You'll see that I'm stubborn, impossibly so
That I don't always do what I'm told
And all too often, I simply tune out
I've been the minority
I've had others speak for me
Don't tell me to follow
I'll spark up your life
But you'll never tame me
Why do you want to?
Undesired
I wonder if I'll ever fit
Into the mold they've prepared for me
Instead of the girl who dances through life
My steps so often falter
Instead of the beauty who's like all the others
I'm comfortable roughed up and un-made up
Instead of charm
I give them sarcasm
Instead of grace
I possess strength
Instead of love
I'm filled with pain
And that mold-
That 'good girl' mold-
Remains cold and unfilled
It's for a better girl than I
One who doesn't have to always lie
One who smiles and means it
And doesn't long for the wrong things
One who'll accomplish good in this world
She's the one
They all believe I can be
Fading In and Out
One minute I am smiling
The next I want to cry
As I realize you are here with me
And he's a fond goodbye
One moment you fill me up
With happiness and dreams
The next I see his face
And I cannot even breathe
One second I can see it all
A life of ease with you
The next I dream that somehow
All my dreams come true
And I wonder how fair it is to either of us
Do we need to put up such a fuss?
Could this ever all turn out
Will I ever lose all my doubt?
You're as perfect as they come
And I leave you feeling numb
Wishing he'd walk in magically
And you'd walk out peacefully
When you're not enough
Winter Wonder
Rupert tries to stop him. “Hey, man-” he starts.
“No,” Nigel waves him off. “It’s ok. I know it’s not your fault. But I think I’m finally starting to realize that it’s not mine either- and I don’t even think it’s hers.” He stares out the diner window at the snow blowing around. “I don’t think we choose who we love. I tried…tried to make her love me. But you’ll always be the one who has her heart. Maybe that’s why she likes that necklace so much,” he smirks bitterly. “It’s become her trademark, almost, wearing her heart on her neck.”
Rupert decides to take another approach. He bites into his burger- it’s good. Juicy but not dripping. He swallows, not without difficulty, and starts saying the first things that come to mind. “You know, it was weird growing up with her. It’s almost like every time I looked at her, she was looking at something else. And every time I guess she ‘noticed’ me or whatever, I wasn’t interested. We didn’t get the timing right.” He shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant. “She seemed really happy with you. I didn’t figure I should get in the way of that. She deserved better than what she had before you…” he purses his lips. “But I didn’t think I could give it to her, ya know? She was always out of my reach.” Rupert leans back in his chair, focusing on his French fries and letting everything else blur. “Maybe we were too much alike. We were puzzles. And neither one took the time to solve them- time was something we never had enough of. I’m sure if we’d spent more time together we’d have driven each other crazy. I didn’t get her. And I didn’t want to.”
Nigel sighs, absently stirring a fry into a bowl of ketchup. “She would’ve wanted to come with me. To see you. I couldn’t even tell her I was coming…I didn’t want to see the hope in her eyes. Like that night of the party,” he half laughs. “she kept looking at the door, wishing you would come through it. Someone mentioned your name- you should’ve seen her face. It just went blank. Like she was blocking out her emotions. I’m sure you’ve seen that face, too.”
Rupert half frowns and nods. “Yep. It always confused me. I wondered why she seemed to think emotions are a negative thing.”
“She’d only ever felt fear,” Nigel responds, giving her standard reply when he asked her that very question. Rupert clears his throat, trying to snap Nigel out of his daze. It’s making him uncomfortable. Nigel looks at him finally, but it’s with a sad look in his eyes. It offers no comfort. “She’ll get over me,” Rupert says this firmly, as if he believes it.
“She can’t. You changed her. Somehow, without meaning to, you changed the very way she views love. And you gave her hope. If she loses you…I’m afraid of what it’ll do to her. I’m afraid she’ll stay with me and end up in pain. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose her. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Let me talk to her.”
The wooden bridge is cold, but not insufferably so. There are no animals out tonight. Everyone and everything is hibernating. Starlight and moonlight are shrouded by clouds that offer snow. The fluffy, powdery white stuff that covers up everything that’s dead and ugly and makes it beautiful. Maybe if I stay out here, it’ll work on me, Ivy smirks as the thoughts, gloomy as usual, pass through her like waves.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. She’s supposed to spend it with family and friends, smiling and drinking eggnog and singing songs. If only she felt like moving.
Life without him isn’t working very well. Thoughts of him used to fill her, spark her dreams and make her daydreams come alive. But every moment spent with Nigel erases the clarity of her memories of him. Ivy wonders if she’s a truly terrible person. Nigel loves her dearly, and she loves him. Well, she loves the way he makes her feel alive, the way he obviously cares about her. She loves feeling like she’s worth something. But could she live without him?
The question is already answered for her, but she cannot share it. She promised him a good life, one in which she’d be happy and always with him, so long as he wanted her there. And she hated to break a promise. He reads her mind and actions far too well. She thought she was being clever, hiding the longings of freedom and the urges to run somewhere he couldn’t follow her to. But he knew all along and begged her to stay. Any hope she’d had of the life she’d grown up dreaming of was gone now.
There’d be no adventures into the unknown.
No dazzling landscapes to explore.
And no way to be alone, where she couldn’t hurt anyone- least of all herself.
With her life mapped out for her so kindly by him, she saw a predictable future. And part of her was happy. She digs her fingers into the wood, remembering the night he brought her to a lovely country home, telling her he was thinking of renting it so they could live together. That night, it almost seemed like there was some magic after all. But too often he told her to wait. Too often he talked about ‘someday’. And so she dreamed of another kind of magic. And she started talking to an old friend. And then the unthinkable happened- she felt sparks. She felt alive. She felt hope and love and butterflies and longing just thinking about him. Is it possible to love someone you can never be with? Ivy wonders if there is anyone who was not guilty of that. Is it possible to make the guy who fell for you think you still love him and him alone? Barely.
Footsteps on the bridge. She looks up. His face is taunt as he takes in her appearance. She’s frail now, having lost her appetite several months ago. A coat hangs off her bony shoulders. Dark circles under eyes, but not from lack of sleep- just from crying, like she is now. Tears stream down her face and she doesn’t even notice. They’re far too common lately. He’s surprised they don’t freeze into tiny icicles on her pale cheeks. There is no fight left in this girl, nothing to hint at that familiar smile that could light up a room.
He comes and sits beside her, ready to tell her what she needs to hear in order to move on, away from the pain. He places a hand on her icy fingers. “Ivy,” he begins, and at the tone in his voice, she jerks away as if slapped. “Don’t,” she croaks, her voice agonized.
“You need to hear the truth,” he says, doubting that now, after seeing her so weak. “Please,” she whispers, trying to stand up but ending up on her knees. His voice falters. It would take a heartless soul to break a girl so obviously broken. He finds he can’t do it. Instead he reaches over and pulls her into lap, holding her until her breathing becomes normal again. She fits inside his arms too easily. She clears her throat. “Thank you,” she murmurs into his chest.
“I know.”
“What do you know?” He asks, smiling despite himself at her defiant voice. Her sorrow always comes across as anger. “I know you never cared for me the way I did you. I know you don’t want me. And I wish…” More tears, then a sigh and squaring of shoulders. “I wish I was stronger. I wish you didn’t have such a hold on me,” she strokes his cheek. “And I wish I had tried to get you when it was still possible. Even though I wouldn’t have succeeded,” she smirks. “At least I would’ve known it wasn’t meant to be. But now I’ll always wonder. No matter what you say, or how you feel, I’ll always wonder if I could’ve made you like me.”
Her brows wrinkle, “Love me.” she whispers, correcting herself, but it comes out a plea that doesn’t want to be answered if it’s going to be rejected.
The snow begins to fall. He holds her, afraid to squeeze to tightly, as if she’ll break if he does. Maybe she will. She drinks in his scent, his warmth, his comfort. It’s temporary, an illusion, but it’ll supply her with flawless dreams again and she’s greedy for more. “You want to know something stupid?” She smiles, a hint of the real thing. “I think I’d stay asleep forever if it meant I could always see you.”
“Ivy…” His voice is almost a warning and it stabs her. “Sorry,” she says, wishing that for once, she could say the things that passed through her mind without being criticized for them. “No, don’t be,” he says, rubbing her arms, trying to get her warm. “But you should stay awake.” She looks up at him, and he brushes her lank hair out of her eyes. “You should wake up, Ivy,” he says, more strength in his voice now. “This is no way to live, and I won’t let you just drift through life.”
“I could be happy, couldn’t I?” She says, a statement more than a question. “Yes, you could-” he says, about to say more when she cuts him off, her voice full of acid.
“I could be happy and pretty and I could pretend like the world isn’t a dark place, where bad things happen to good people, and sometimes you reach out for God and you can’t hear Him, can’t feel Him. I could forget my daydreams and stay in the present, I could marry Nigel and live happily ever after in a small house with a small career and never do anything of consequence, but come on, kids, isn’t that better than being a failure?” She spits out the words with a whole new vibrancy to her.
“I’d be empty, but I suppose since I am a heck of an actress I could pretend all through life like I’m content. And he’d be happy to have me there, smiling and agreeable, but he’d never know me. Do you know he never tried to? Every time I tried to share what was really in my head, he’d draw away, making me think there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t rainbows and puppies. You were the one who thought maybe I’d fail, maybe I wasn’t good, maybe I was difficult and hard to comprehend. No. I can’t be truly happy. Not anymore.” She stands up now, and walks off the bridge, leaving him holding nothing but her words. He sits for a moment, slightly undone, then jumps up and follows her.
Through the clearing he sees her. She’s in the middle of a large pond, holding a sharp stick in one small hand. Crouching down, she’s chipping away at the ice that separates her from the icy water. He watches, confused for a moment, then as realization hits he jumps forward, onto the lake but not all the way to her. Because he just heard a crack that sounded as if the world were splitting open. “Ivy, look at me,” he commands. Her glare is the only response. She doesn’t stop slamming the stick into the ice with all the force in her small body. “I’m tired of being numb, Rupert. I’m tired of knowing what’s going to happen and being powerless to stop it. I’m tired of expectations and questions that I can’t answer. I’m tired of being angry.” He’s unsure of what to do.
“Do you want me to save you?” He asks bluntly. She drops the stick, surprised. He hasn't said what she needed to hear, what he thought was appropriate. He said what he was thinking. It wasn't necessarily nice, but it was honest. She looks taken aback for a moment. Looks at him with a strange smile. She runs over to him. They stand a few feet apart. She’s breathing heavily, color returning to her face, a twinkle in her eye. She leans over and scoops up a wad of snow, flinging it at him hard. He registers the shock then throws some at her, grabbing her arm and pulling her off the lake, relieved but still worried. She shoves him and he falls easily onto the bank, twisting her as he falls so she lands on him, with her back against his stomach. Ivy sighs. She turns and rests her elbows on his chest, staring down at him without tears now.
“You already did,” she says smugly.
“I did what?” He asks, thoroughly confused by her erratic behavior.
“Thank you,” she says, still smiling, standing up and brushing herself off. He sits up. “You’re welcome…for what?” She leans down and looks him in the eye. “For saving me. For the fact that you came out here to tell me a lie that even you don’t believe…and for not being able to say it.” She holds his face in her hands and pulls it so close their noses nearly touch. “Can you tell me the truth? Can you say it out loud? Or are you afraid that if you do, everything will crumble and your life will change?” She speaks softly and it’s nonsense to anyone else. He understands all too well. She smiles for real now, her tired face lighting up at his grimace. “It’s okay. Love doesn’t always make sense, you know.” Ivy stands and walks away from him, and this time he lets her disappear into the forest, knowing that her bare feet will barely leave prints in the snow, but somehow sure she’s no longer cold. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel cold either. Instead he’s filled with heat. Magic. Her magic, that he’s always denied himself of. It lingers in the air like perfume and finally, he accepts it, takes hold of it and understands.
It doesn’t ever make sense.
Why I Can't Kill Things
My boyfriend likes to kill things. I don't have those genes. I like watching violent movies. I like trying to throw people around, wrestling, punching, ect. I like shooting my longbow. At a target.
He wants me to come hunting with him. I wouldn't have to kill anything, he says.
Can I kill you for suggesting it? I wonder.
I grew up next to a park, protected trees that surrounded me and comforted me and shielded me when I wanted to be shielded. They're what spark my imagination, housed my daydreams and held my tears. I never needed to talk in the forest, which made me instantly at home. There was the possiblity of danger- hunters. My parents didn't like me going out on my own or with a small dog, because what if someone kidnapped me? One day when I was out with my terrier I met 4 guys with guns. It was one of those, "Um, hi," moments when I really, really wanted to run from them.
Hunters scared me.
I hated hunters.
I HATE hunters.
I heard guns go off in the distant and winced. I hoped they'd miss.
Why kill something? What's the pleasure in taking life?
Michael (boyfriend) says that's what God put them on the earth for.
I said, oh. What about Fido? You gonna shoot your dog for meat?
No, he says.
That's right, because dogs give us pleasure just by BEING there. Well, wildlife gives me pleasure just by being there. I saw deer scramble away from me in the woods and frowned. I wonder if they'd be afraid if we didn't kill them, get in the way of their migration and lands then curse them for running into the highways?
I saw a baby deer gaze at me and I saw it in her eyes- do I need to fear you? Are you going to hurt me?
Now every time I watch rabbits and squirrels outside my apartment I smile at their antics. Sandpipers in Hawaii fascinted me, skipping around. Monk seals bask in the sun and don't fear humans because they are protected. Same with sea turtles. Crabs don't fear anyone. But they do like to snap at flip-flops.
I don't eat seafood. It taste like the ocean or a pond to me. I like meat, but I can go weeks without it and not miss it. And then I like my animals pumped full of hormones and bred to eat. I wish they'd kill them more humanely, but oh well, at least I don't have to see the life go out of their eyes.
Maybe that's it. I fear what taking a life would mean. I view those animals as I would my own pets.
I remember our Beagle, Cleo, on her last days at our house. I looked into her eyes and I said please don't leave me. She said calmly that she had to, but she'd miss us. I've held puppies as they died. Came into the dogshed as one succumbed to a painful death, listened to his last howls became my pained, frustrated tears. Watched as the one I fed for 4 weeks couldn't breath, lungs too small. I rescued countless birds that flew into the windows and got dazed. I put them in branches so the cats couldn't nibble on them. I remember holding a cardinal and setting in a tree only to have its head loll to the side, neck broken. It was still warm in my hands. Not wanting to have it be eaten, as nature demanded, I buried it in Mom's flower garden under a stone.
Undeniable
He's disappearing
You're washing him away from me
My memories of him fade
And I lose all my flawless dreams
He's gone
I'm healed, I guess
No more holding on to a past
That never could've turned out right
But still sometimes I see it
In a flash of pure destruction
A starlit room of flowers and tulle
Where everything I want is there
And I'm afraid of it
Until he takes my hand and reassures
Will I get anything that good in real life?
Will I have what I saw in that dream?
Is it possible to fully let go
Of something that felt so good and right?
Every moment with you
A piece of him fades
And I try to just move on
Brush away the pain
Life is going on, for all of us
Square your shoulders, girl
The battles are just beginning
And you are the lone soldier
I can't let you see me this way
My dreams have ended
Now there is only life
A Walk In The Park
They stroll through the trees
And she whispers her thoughts
He listens quietly, never judging
She falls into a bench next to him
Crying quietly
Tears flow down her face but her voice stays steady
She confides to him alone-
"I've been living a lie for too long now
Hoping my feelings would fade
But every time I think of him
I smile...and I cry
The smile's for the good times we had
Back when we could get close
And got as close as we could
The crying is because I never told him
Never said the words required
To make him love me
Never responded when he held out his hand
I was too afraid he'd let it go eventually
Now my prediction has come true-
I'm longing for a guy I pushed away
And if my dreams came true
I'd have him in my arms every night
But I'm bound to someone else
And I'm afraid I can't get free easily
I never minded these shiny binds
Before I realized I wanted something more
Now I'm being haunted by a living guy
The thoughts of him just captivate me
Taking place of what I should be doing."
Her tears suddenly become sobs as she cries,
"Why didn't he want me?"
He tries in vain to soothe her
As she falls back into the hole
That she's fought her whole life to get out of
"I don't know what to do," she finally whispers
"Tell him," he says calmly. "He should know."
Looking For Something I've Already Found
Will I ever find someone
Who would simply try to understand me
Someone I could confide in
That would help me find some answers?
Someone to save me
When I claim I'm just fine
Someone I desperately need
Who feels the same way about me?
And if I find him
If I already have
Will I push him away
Will I screw everything up
Just because I still believe-
in my confused head I am convinced-
That I don't deserve true happiness
Giving love to someone else comes so easily to me
Too easily sometimes-
I fall in love with every smile I recieve
But getting it back has never been simple
Especially when I truly long for it
And I'm left to wonder this forever-
Will I ever remain satisfied?
Don't Go There
How many times do I have to watch
As the people I love
And who claim to love me
Make such selfish choices
Everyone who cares for them is screaming
Begging them to make the right decision
Not just for now but for eternity
And they just don't seem to grasp it
That their decisions in life don't just affect them
It affects everyone who loves them
They're family and friends
That wish they'd do the right thing for once
Instead of following their lying hearts
And I just wish I could grab them
Look them in the eye
And tell them it's not about you
It's about the ones who surround you
THEY make up your life
And you're forcing them to support you
Down all your twisted paths
But you should know that if they told you the truth
You wouldn't like it much
I Had To Do It
I'm searching for something
Something I've already found
Something I can't have
And I desperately need
But what does it matter
And what does it mean
To have had something potentially magical
That slipped through your hands
You made me leave him
And it broke me apart
These invisible chains
Have never felt so heavy
And I just want to see him again
I just need to tell him the truth
And figure out why we never made it
I need closure
And for once
I'm gonna get what I need
Don't Let Me Fall
Looking at him, playing that guitar so well
His hands move so fast it entrances me
I can't help but smile
I look at his face
And he's off in another world
So absorbed in that instrument
I could almost slip away unnoticed
When he straps on that guitar I don't exist
And I wonder if I made it all up
Do I really make his life better
Or does he make mine bearable?
Am I no longer sacrificing for his sake
And now taking all I can get from him?
And what is my escape plan now
To implement when he finds me out
When I force him to say goodbye
Because this isn't love
It's not right, not good, not perfect
This eats me up inside
Leaves a hole in me
One I'm scared to sink back into
Will You Be There?
What if I make mistakes
as we both know I'm bound to do?
What if I screw us up somehow?
How am I supposed to recover from that?
We both know there's no going back now
no way to break up and erase this last year
If we did that, then it was all for nothing
Only memories and a few thoughtful gifts to remind us
And we'd be expected to move on-
an impossible task
but this is my dilemma- no turning back
But no moving on, you say
Not yet, just wait
But I'm SICK of guys wanting me to wait
If you want me fine, great!
But you have to have me now, quick
As I am and as you are
Because I'm TIRED of waiting for what I want
Knowing it'll come 'someday' only makes me wonder...
Why not today?
Why do I have to wait for everything that's good in my life?
I can't be part of your world yet, not fully
as much as I'd like to be
I have to wait, I'm supposed to
No matter how much it hurts
Let Go
You feel free
Because that's what you are
I've never pretended like I had a hold on you
You can do as you please
Come and then go if you choose
Because if you're with me
It's because you want to be
Because you've seen all you need to see
And chosen me instead
Chosen to live a life with me
Because I don't want you
Until you're sure you don't want to leave
I don't want someone beside me
That's still lost in fantasies
I don't understand why you wouldn't want the same thing
Why you can't see the ways you slowly strangle me
How tightly you hold while I gently struggle
To make you see
I'm letting you have me
But not fully yet
I'm not a piece of property that you can own
Just let me go
And I promise I won't hurt you
necessities
there's this boy that i love
that i always have
and i'm afraid...i always will
he's the one i always dreamed of having
i needed him to be as close as possible
but he's gone
the boy i loved is gone forever now
and i really miss him
he was fun
and rude
blunt in an innocent way
naughty in a goofy way
always trying to be cool
and when he stopped trying, he WAS
attractive, intense, smoldering me
he was the only guy i wanted
the only one i wanted to be with forever
but i lost him
now he's not even a close friend
not even interested
and i just wish i could've gotten to know him better
because i think
he was fantastic
The Hardest Thing
There it is again- that wall
It comes up subconsciously when you start ordering me
What to do and don’t and how to not do it
And before I’ve even crossed a line-
Because I was simply admiring it-
You say stop and I turn, bewildered
Every impulse in me to disobey shoots off
No guy is allowed to order me around
No man tells me what I can’t do, how I should behave
Save your lessons for your dog, I almost say
‘Submissive’ has never been part of my vocabulary
Then I pause
And I break down the wall
Because I see it too- the path we could go down
Full of unnecessary drama
Fights and issues, hurting you and me too in the end
All to prove a worthless point
So I kick myself for even saying anything
And vow to swallow my pride
Thus proving my love for you
Outweighs everything
It Was Always You
As we grew up, I dreamed of him
Even as I said I’d never want a guy
I’d catch his eye and be startled at the emotion I felt
Even as I tried and succeeded at being the tough girl
She told me he wanted to save someone
And I wanted it to be me
Even when I didn’t see him for months
As soon as I did, our pattern continued
Our way of getting so close then shying away
The smell of his cologne drove me mad
The desire to have him closer never faded
The way I’d hang onto his every word
And he’d duck his head bashfully and laugh along with me
Eyes shining and laughs bouncing
The things he’d remember made my head spin
Every inside joke and loaded question intrigued me
My heart raced just to have his attention
Even when I was with someone else
Part of me still wanted to be with him
Even as he lies to me, I listen eagerly
Even though he’s got no future, I want to be part of it
Even though he’s wrong for me….
Well haven’t we all loved someone who always remained
Just beyond our reach?
Beyond your View
If there was something else you wanted to do
You would tell me, right?
He asks me so innocently and I almost laugh
At the irony of that question
There is so much I don’t tell him
But mostly, lately, my secrets only number one
The fact that I’m always dreaming of what I can’t have
You merely mentioned he was leaving soon and I went numb
My mind already racing with ways to make him mine
There is nothing I want to do
And nowhere I need to be
Because of you and the invisible chains
You have fastened tightly around me
Once someone saves your life
You’re forever in their debt
It’s as if one burden is taken away from you
And another unbearable one replaces it
I never realized how hard it’d be
To make you happy- it means staying pout
When all I WANT to do is run away
Into his arms
Even At My Worst He’s There
One day I walked until I fell
My heart so heavy I couldn’t bear it
Unless I was standing still
I sat wedged between two fallen trees
Out there, feeling of loneliness are allowed to be
So my pent-up confusion flowed down my face
My anxiety dug through the rotting bark
My pain cringed over the calm creek
The feeling I hide from everyone else
Are freely released in my safe forest
Then the feelings passed, leaving me empty again
My phone buzzed unrepentantly
I looked through bleary lenses
I love you
He wrote, just a random reminder
Of why I can’t be the girl who cries alone anymore
Of why I have to be strong and survive
Of why I need to trust and be willing
To share my thoughts with animate objects
One day I wanted to run away from him
And he made it impossible for me to go
Without even knowing what I was thinking
Why I LIE
Because it doesn’t HURT you
The way the TRUTH would
Because that way you don’t SEE
How DARK I tend to be
Because HONESTY for me
Is blunt, HARSH, and unfeeling
Because all through my LIFE
Lies were the ONLY way I survived
Because the WAY you’d look at me
If I blurted out the TRUTH
Would be unbearably disappointed and SHOCKED
Because it’s all I know
It’s all I’m CAPABLE of
Because I’m AFRAID of truth
It’s so rarely necessary
So rarely HELPS anything
So rarely SAVES me
Because it’s easier for BOTH of us
Stop and Go
Instead of the brakes?
Suddenly you’re surging forward
When you meant to slow down
The car jerks ahead and your brain gets confused
It’s the strongest sensation ever
The damage will be inevitable
For once you lunge forward
It’s hard to brake than keep going aimlessly
Harder still to reverse than break
Yet our instincts propel us to go back
Knowing the danger that can be caused
When you mean to slow down and find yourself speeding up
Careening towards a certain doom and terror
I’ve got to slam on my brakes
Instead of speeding towards that cliff
Secure
I found my soul mate
I found a guy who wants to show me off when I’m wearing sweats
A guy who follows me around because he wants to be near me
A guy who’s always there when I need something
No matter how ridiculous it is
A guy who indulges me constantly
A guy who thinks that what I’m thinking is important
More important than anything else, even
A guy who sees my bad side and says he has one too
He gets jealous when other guys even LOOK at me
Wants to wrap me up and tell them to stay away
He lets me dream of the ocean, of moving far away
Because, he says, he’d follow me anywhere
He’d drive hours if it meant doing me a favor
He’d buy me everything I touched if I let him
He’d sit beside me forever, not doing anything
So long as I’m there, he is
And he’s happy just to hear my voice, to see my face
I know
Not just because he tells me endlessly
But because I feel the exact same way
He loves me, despite my flaws that he brushes away
Despite my mood swings and temper
My confusing ways that annoy him sometimes
The way I just cannot be honest
He pushes it all aside
Knowing he has frustrating ways too
And smiles at me, so happy
Just to be in love
With all its ups and downs
Its highs are always higher than the lows are low
All I know now is that being beside him
Is my favorite place to be
Graduation
Well last night was graduation at Suburban Heights Christian School/Church! It was a blast for sure. I got there early, gave Brycia 4 roses and Lisa some chocolates. Now these two girls mean THE WORLD to me, they really do. I love them like little sisters and I try to take care of them whenever I can! Lisa's my neighbor on my dusty gravel road and she's one of the funniest, kindest, loving, strangest girls you'll ever know. I've known her forever and hope we'll be friends for that long too! Brycia's my bestie, my constant in an ever-shifting world. We talk on the phone all the time, for hours, and this fall we're going to college together and I'll be living with her, yay! She's beautiful, always ready to laugh or be laughed at, energetic and an amazing friend. I graduated from this school last year, but I almost had MORE fun watching some of my best friends go down the aisle instead of me! Jake gave a funny ad-libbed speech, Brycia, Lisa and Hannah sang some beautiful songs and Pastor Parker gave a message. We all went to a reception downstairs afterwards and ate sandwiches and cake, took a ton of pictures and tried to talk to everyone there. Then I headed to Pizza Hut with the Dice's and Brycia came along later. We ate more food, talked and laughed some then I went with Mike and Stephen to the Dice's to watch Taken. By the time I got home it was 5 minutes to 1 a.m.! I was so dead, felt like I'd gone to prom or something. But it was an amazing evening and so much FUN!Summertime and the living is easy
Jade running to me
Wildflowers are the best!
Bare feet = summer for me!
Awesome buds
Flowers are everywhere, it's great!
Colors!
Stalking my family
Love the water right now
Playing with my girls
Daisy eating flowers
Thursday giving me dandelions
Coolest bumper sticker ever!
Dad mowing- yeehaw!
My oldest, bestest friend
I like the blanket of flower petals beside Jade
SUCH a pretty tree!Juliet
My cat had kittens. This is not startling news if you don't know Juliet. She's a 10- or 11-year-old cat who's definitely got a few kinks in her mental workspace. I'm pretty sure she's retarded, actually, and I'm just stating that as a fact. SHe rolls off tables when she's happy. Not very bright. ALso, she has mutant kittens. It's just weird, and often gross. They're often bald, too big/small, and dead or dying. She had a cute orange one that lived for 3 weeks- then died suddenly. This one looks exactly like her, down to the orange spot on it's ear, and it's a girl (named Helen of Troy for now, possibly Macbeth later) so I'm thinking if it lives Juliet will finally die....
Worth A While
I’m not a genius
I’m not interesting
Or worth much time
I’m not perfect
I’m not witty
I’m not even optimistic
Or worth much effort
I can’t say how much I love you
I can only hold your hand tightly
I’m not mesmerizing
Or energetic
But in his eyes I become
What I always longed to be
He thinks I’m a gorgeous, smart, feisty woman
He tells me I’m flawless, funny, and bright
He squeezes my hand right back
Bring me up out of my every funk
He says I’m dazzling and wild
As if his time and effort are never
Wasted on me
And if they are, he says
It’s time well wasted
Slowdancin In A Burnin Room
No matter where he went,
Destroyed everything he touched
He met a girl who had pretended
That she was ‘good’ for so long
She no longer knew where the façade ended
And she began
There once was a boy
Who was never happy for very long
He met a girl who could only dream of normality
He saw the girl for what she was
She knew him better than he knew himself
And neither were satisfied with what they saw
Too many roadblocks on the way to recovery
Too many false alarms pulled
There once was a boy incapable of real love
He met a girl that wanted only that
There once was a boy
Who fell for a girl
Who couldn’t fix him
Because she was broken
This ring is from Lord of the Rings, one of my all-time favorite movies. I've been drooling over this for like, 3 years now I think? Yeah...I'm weird. I should just buy it, but I was sorta saving it for a special occasion, like an engagement or something? Who knows when THAT'LL happen, though! I'm saving up for it now :)She's Already Gone
I miss the strong side
The side that saw black and white
The part of me that dreamed of things that could never be
There’s a danger in dreaming of a future that could exist
For if it fades away, so will I
I’m placing trust in a man
Who has no idea who I was and still am sometimes
I’m the one who hates to talk
But wishes someone could hear her
The girl who spends forever on her makeup
Then avoid eye contact when you give compliments
I’m the girl who draws you close
Then habitually pushes you away
The girl who used to cry every single night
Living with flashes of nightmares
Tormented by demons she didn’t know how to fight
I’m the girl who hid from everyone
Losing herself along the way
I’m the girl who had no reason to go on
Until he came along
I was so far gone before he saved me
And I’m wondering if you ever really come back from that
So much damage was already done
