A Walk In The Park

They stroll through the trees
And she whispers her thoughts
He listens quietly, never judging
She falls into a bench next to him
Crying quietly
Tears flow down her face but her voice stays steady
She confides to him alone-
"I've been living a lie for too long now
Hoping my feelings would fade
But every time I think of him
I smile...and I cry
The smile's for the good times we had
Back when we could get close
And got as close as we could
The crying is because I never told him
Never said the words required
To make him love me
Never responded when he held out his hand
I was too afraid he'd let it go eventually
Now my prediction has come true-
I'm longing for a guy I pushed away
And if my dreams came true
I'd have him in my arms every night
But I'm bound to someone else
And I'm afraid I can't get free easily
I never minded these shiny binds
Before I realized I wanted something more
Now I'm being haunted by a living guy
The thoughts of him just captivate me
Taking place of what I should be doing."
Her tears suddenly become sobs as she cries,

"Why didn't he want me?"

He tries in vain to soothe her
As she falls back into the hole
That she's fought her whole life to get out of
"I don't know what to do," she finally whispers
"Tell him," he says calmly. "He should know."

Looking For Something I've Already Found

Will I ever find someone
Who would simply try to understand me
Someone I could confide in
That would help me find some answers?
Someone to save me
When I claim I'm just fine
Someone I desperately need
Who feels the same way about me?
And if I find him
If I already have
Will I push him away
Will I screw everything up
Just because I still believe-
in my confused head I am convinced-
That I don't deserve true happiness
Giving love to someone else comes so easily to me
Too easily sometimes-
I fall in love with every smile I recieve
But getting it back has never been simple
Especially when I truly long for it
And I'm left to wonder this forever-
Will I ever remain satisfied?

Don't Go There

How many times do I have to watch
As the people I love
And who claim to love me
Make such selfish choices
Everyone who cares for them is screaming
Begging them to make the right decision
Not just for now but for eternity
And they just don't seem to grasp it
That their decisions in life don't just affect them
It affects everyone who loves them
They're family and friends
That wish they'd do the right thing for once
Instead of following their lying hearts
And I just wish I could grab them
Look them in the eye
And tell them it's not about you
It's about the ones who surround you
THEY make up your life
And you're forcing them to support you
Down all your twisted paths
But you should know that if they told you the truth
You wouldn't like it much

I Had To Do It

I'm searching for something
Something I've already found
Something I can't have
And I desperately need
But what does it matter
And what does it mean
To have had something potentially magical
That slipped through your hands
You made me leave him
And it broke me apart
These invisible chains
Have never felt so heavy
And I just want to see him again
I just need to tell him the truth
And figure out why we never made it
I need closure
And for once
I'm gonna get what I need

Don't Let Me Fall

Looking at him, playing that guitar so well
His hands move so fast it entrances me
I can't help but smile
I look at his face
And he's off in another world
So absorbed in that instrument
I could almost slip away unnoticed
When he straps on that guitar I don't exist
And I wonder if I made it all up
Do I really make his life better
Or does he make mine bearable?
Am I no longer sacrificing for his sake
And now taking all I can get from him?
And what is my escape plan now
To implement when he finds me out
When I force him to say goodbye
Because this isn't love
It's not right, not good, not perfect
This eats me up inside
Leaves a hole in me
One I'm scared to sink back into

Will You Be There?

What if I make mistakes
as we both know I'm bound to do?
What if I screw us up somehow?
How am I supposed to recover from that?
We both know there's no going back now
no way to break up and erase this last year
If we did that, then it was all for nothing
Only memories and a few thoughtful gifts to remind us
And we'd be expected to move on-
an impossible task
but this is my dilemma- no turning back
But no moving on, you say
Not yet, just wait
But I'm SICK of guys wanting me to wait
If you want me fine, great!
But you have to have me now, quick
As I am and as you are
Because I'm TIRED of waiting for what I want
Knowing it'll come 'someday' only makes me wonder...
Why not today?
Why do I have to wait for everything that's good in my life?
I can't be part of your world yet, not fully
as much as I'd like to be
I have to wait, I'm supposed to
No matter how much it hurts

Let Go

You feel free
Because that's what you are
I've never pretended like I had a hold on you
You can do as you please
Come and then go if you choose
Because if you're with me
It's because you want to be
Because you've seen all you need to see
And chosen me instead
Chosen to live a life with me
Because I don't want you
Until you're sure you don't want to leave
I don't want someone beside me
That's still lost in fantasies
I don't understand why you wouldn't want the same thing
Why you can't see the ways you slowly strangle me
How tightly you hold while I gently struggle
To make you see
I'm letting you have me
But not fully yet
I'm not a piece of property that you can own
Just let me go
And I promise I won't hurt you

necessities

there's this boy that i love
that i always have
and i'm afraid...i always will
he's the one i always dreamed of having
i needed him to be as close as possible
but he's gone
the boy i loved is gone forever now
and i really miss him
he was fun
and rude
blunt in an innocent way
naughty in a goofy way
always trying to be cool
and when he stopped trying, he WAS
attractive, intense, smoldering me
he was the only guy i wanted
the only one i wanted to be with forever
but i lost him
now he's not even a close friend
not even interested
and i just wish i could've gotten to know him better
because i think
he was fantastic