They stroll through the trees
And she whispers her thoughts
He listens quietly, never judging
She falls into a bench next to him
Crying quietly
Tears flow down her face but her voice stays steady
She confides to him alone-
"I've been living a lie for too long now
Hoping my feelings would fade
But every time I think of him
I smile...and I cry
The smile's for the good times we had
Back when we could get close
And got as close as we could
The crying is because I never told him
Never said the words required
To make him love me
Never responded when he held out his hand
I was too afraid he'd let it go eventually
Now my prediction has come true-
I'm longing for a guy I pushed away
And if my dreams came true
I'd have him in my arms every night
But I'm bound to someone else
And I'm afraid I can't get free easily
I never minded these shiny binds
Before I realized I wanted something more
Now I'm being haunted by a living guy
The thoughts of him just captivate me
Taking place of what I should be doing."
Her tears suddenly become sobs as she cries,
"Why didn't he want me?"
He tries in vain to soothe her
As she falls back into the hole
That she's fought her whole life to get out of
"I don't know what to do," she finally whispers
"Tell him," he says calmly. "He should know."
A Walk In The Park
Looking For Something I've Already Found
Will I ever find someone
Who would simply try to understand me
Someone I could confide in
That would help me find some answers?
Someone to save me
When I claim I'm just fine
Someone I desperately need
Who feels the same way about me?
And if I find him
If I already have
Will I push him away
Will I screw everything up
Just because I still believe-
in my confused head I am convinced-
That I don't deserve true happiness
Giving love to someone else comes so easily to me
Too easily sometimes-
I fall in love with every smile I recieve
But getting it back has never been simple
Especially when I truly long for it
And I'm left to wonder this forever-
Will I ever remain satisfied?
Don't Go There
How many times do I have to watch
As the people I love
And who claim to love me
Make such selfish choices
Everyone who cares for them is screaming
Begging them to make the right decision
Not just for now but for eternity
And they just don't seem to grasp it
That their decisions in life don't just affect them
It affects everyone who loves them
They're family and friends
That wish they'd do the right thing for once
Instead of following their lying hearts
And I just wish I could grab them
Look them in the eye
And tell them it's not about you
It's about the ones who surround you
THEY make up your life
And you're forcing them to support you
Down all your twisted paths
But you should know that if they told you the truth
You wouldn't like it much
I Had To Do It
I'm searching for something
Something I've already found
Something I can't have
And I desperately need
But what does it matter
And what does it mean
To have had something potentially magical
That slipped through your hands
You made me leave him
And it broke me apart
These invisible chains
Have never felt so heavy
And I just want to see him again
I just need to tell him the truth
And figure out why we never made it
I need closure
And for once
I'm gonna get what I need
Don't Let Me Fall
Looking at him, playing that guitar so well
His hands move so fast it entrances me
I can't help but smile
I look at his face
And he's off in another world
So absorbed in that instrument
I could almost slip away unnoticed
When he straps on that guitar I don't exist
And I wonder if I made it all up
Do I really make his life better
Or does he make mine bearable?
Am I no longer sacrificing for his sake
And now taking all I can get from him?
And what is my escape plan now
To implement when he finds me out
When I force him to say goodbye
Because this isn't love
It's not right, not good, not perfect
This eats me up inside
Leaves a hole in me
One I'm scared to sink back into
Will You Be There?
What if I make mistakes
as we both know I'm bound to do?
What if I screw us up somehow?
How am I supposed to recover from that?
We both know there's no going back now
no way to break up and erase this last year
If we did that, then it was all for nothing
Only memories and a few thoughtful gifts to remind us
And we'd be expected to move on-
an impossible task
but this is my dilemma- no turning back
But no moving on, you say
Not yet, just wait
But I'm SICK of guys wanting me to wait
If you want me fine, great!
But you have to have me now, quick
As I am and as you are
Because I'm TIRED of waiting for what I want
Knowing it'll come 'someday' only makes me wonder...
Why not today?
Why do I have to wait for everything that's good in my life?
I can't be part of your world yet, not fully
as much as I'd like to be
I have to wait, I'm supposed to
No matter how much it hurts
Let Go
You feel free
Because that's what you are
I've never pretended like I had a hold on you
You can do as you please
Come and then go if you choose
Because if you're with me
It's because you want to be
Because you've seen all you need to see
And chosen me instead
Chosen to live a life with me
Because I don't want you
Until you're sure you don't want to leave
I don't want someone beside me
That's still lost in fantasies
I don't understand why you wouldn't want the same thing
Why you can't see the ways you slowly strangle me
How tightly you hold while I gently struggle
To make you see
I'm letting you have me
But not fully yet
I'm not a piece of property that you can own
Just let me go
And I promise I won't hurt you
necessities
there's this boy that i love
that i always have
and i'm afraid...i always will
he's the one i always dreamed of having
i needed him to be as close as possible
but he's gone
the boy i loved is gone forever now
and i really miss him
he was fun
and rude
blunt in an innocent way
naughty in a goofy way
always trying to be cool
and when he stopped trying, he WAS
attractive, intense, smoldering me
he was the only guy i wanted
the only one i wanted to be with forever
but i lost him
now he's not even a close friend
not even interested
and i just wish i could've gotten to know him better
because i think
he was fantastic
The Hardest Thing
There it is again- that wall
It comes up subconsciously when you start ordering me
What to do and don’t and how to not do it
And before I’ve even crossed a line-
Because I was simply admiring it-
You say stop and I turn, bewildered
Every impulse in me to disobey shoots off
No guy is allowed to order me around
No man tells me what I can’t do, how I should behave
Save your lessons for your dog, I almost say
‘Submissive’ has never been part of my vocabulary
Then I pause
And I break down the wall
Because I see it too- the path we could go down
Full of unnecessary drama
Fights and issues, hurting you and me too in the end
All to prove a worthless point
So I kick myself for even saying anything
And vow to swallow my pride
Thus proving my love for you
Outweighs everything
It Was Always You
As we grew up, I dreamed of him
Even as I said I’d never want a guy
I’d catch his eye and be startled at the emotion I felt
Even as I tried and succeeded at being the tough girl
She told me he wanted to save someone
And I wanted it to be me
Even when I didn’t see him for months
As soon as I did, our pattern continued
Our way of getting so close then shying away
The smell of his cologne drove me mad
The desire to have him closer never faded
The way I’d hang onto his every word
And he’d duck his head bashfully and laugh along with me
Eyes shining and laughs bouncing
The things he’d remember made my head spin
Every inside joke and loaded question intrigued me
My heart raced just to have his attention
Even when I was with someone else
Part of me still wanted to be with him
Even as he lies to me, I listen eagerly
Even though he’s got no future, I want to be part of it
Even though he’s wrong for me….
Well haven’t we all loved someone who always remained
Just beyond our reach?
Beyond your View
If there was something else you wanted to do
You would tell me, right?
He asks me so innocently and I almost laugh
At the irony of that question
There is so much I don’t tell him
But mostly, lately, my secrets only number one
The fact that I’m always dreaming of what I can’t have
You merely mentioned he was leaving soon and I went numb
My mind already racing with ways to make him mine
There is nothing I want to do
And nowhere I need to be
Because of you and the invisible chains
You have fastened tightly around me
Once someone saves your life
You’re forever in their debt
It’s as if one burden is taken away from you
And another unbearable one replaces it
I never realized how hard it’d be
To make you happy- it means staying pout
When all I WANT to do is run away
Into his arms
Even At My Worst He’s There
One day I walked until I fell
My heart so heavy I couldn’t bear it
Unless I was standing still
I sat wedged between two fallen trees
Out there, feeling of loneliness are allowed to be
So my pent-up confusion flowed down my face
My anxiety dug through the rotting bark
My pain cringed over the calm creek
The feeling I hide from everyone else
Are freely released in my safe forest
Then the feelings passed, leaving me empty again
My phone buzzed unrepentantly
I looked through bleary lenses
I love you
He wrote, just a random reminder
Of why I can’t be the girl who cries alone anymore
Of why I have to be strong and survive
Of why I need to trust and be willing
To share my thoughts with animate objects
One day I wanted to run away from him
And he made it impossible for me to go
Without even knowing what I was thinking
Why I LIE
Because it doesn’t HURT you
The way the TRUTH would
Because that way you don’t SEE
How DARK I tend to be
Because HONESTY for me
Is blunt, HARSH, and unfeeling
Because all through my LIFE
Lies were the ONLY way I survived
Because the WAY you’d look at me
If I blurted out the TRUTH
Would be unbearably disappointed and SHOCKED
Because it’s all I know
It’s all I’m CAPABLE of
Because I’m AFRAID of truth
It’s so rarely necessary
So rarely HELPS anything
So rarely SAVES me
Because it’s easier for BOTH of us
Stop and Go
Instead of the brakes?
Suddenly you’re surging forward
When you meant to slow down
The car jerks ahead and your brain gets confused
It’s the strongest sensation ever
The damage will be inevitable
For once you lunge forward
It’s hard to brake than keep going aimlessly
Harder still to reverse than break
Yet our instincts propel us to go back
Knowing the danger that can be caused
When you mean to slow down and find yourself speeding up
Careening towards a certain doom and terror
I’ve got to slam on my brakes
Instead of speeding towards that cliff
Secure
I found my soul mate
I found a guy who wants to show me off when I’m wearing sweats
A guy who follows me around because he wants to be near me
A guy who’s always there when I need something
No matter how ridiculous it is
A guy who indulges me constantly
A guy who thinks that what I’m thinking is important
More important than anything else, even
A guy who sees my bad side and says he has one too
He gets jealous when other guys even LOOK at me
Wants to wrap me up and tell them to stay away
He lets me dream of the ocean, of moving far away
Because, he says, he’d follow me anywhere
He’d drive hours if it meant doing me a favor
He’d buy me everything I touched if I let him
He’d sit beside me forever, not doing anything
So long as I’m there, he is
And he’s happy just to hear my voice, to see my face
I know
Not just because he tells me endlessly
But because I feel the exact same way
He loves me, despite my flaws that he brushes away
Despite my mood swings and temper
My confusing ways that annoy him sometimes
The way I just cannot be honest
He pushes it all aside
Knowing he has frustrating ways too
And smiles at me, so happy
Just to be in love
With all its ups and downs
Its highs are always higher than the lows are low
All I know now is that being beside him
Is my favorite place to be
Graduation
Well last night was graduation at Suburban Heights Christian School/Church! It was a blast for sure. I got there early, gave Brycia 4 roses and Lisa some chocolates. Now these two girls mean THE WORLD to me, they really do. I love them like little sisters and I try to take care of them whenever I can! Lisa's my neighbor on my dusty gravel road and she's one of the funniest, kindest, loving, strangest girls you'll ever know. I've known her forever and hope we'll be friends for that long too! Brycia's my bestie, my constant in an ever-shifting world. We talk on the phone all the time, for hours, and this fall we're going to college together and I'll be living with her, yay! She's beautiful, always ready to laugh or be laughed at, energetic and an amazing friend. I graduated from this school last year, but I almost had MORE fun watching some of my best friends go down the aisle instead of me! Jake gave a funny ad-libbed speech, Brycia, Lisa and Hannah sang some beautiful songs and Pastor Parker gave a message. We all went to a reception downstairs afterwards and ate sandwiches and cake, took a ton of pictures and tried to talk to everyone there. Then I headed to Pizza Hut with the Dice's and Brycia came along later. We ate more food, talked and laughed some then I went with Mike and Stephen to the Dice's to watch Taken. By the time I got home it was 5 minutes to 1 a.m.! I was so dead, felt like I'd gone to prom or something. But it was an amazing evening and so much FUN!Summertime and the living is easy
Jade running to me
Wildflowers are the best!
Bare feet = summer for me!
Awesome buds
Flowers are everywhere, it's great!
Colors!
Stalking my family
Love the water right now
Playing with my girls
Daisy eating flowers
Thursday giving me dandelions
Coolest bumper sticker ever!
Dad mowing- yeehaw!
My oldest, bestest friend
I like the blanket of flower petals beside Jade
SUCH a pretty tree!Juliet
My cat had kittens. This is not startling news if you don't know Juliet. She's a 10- or 11-year-old cat who's definitely got a few kinks in her mental workspace. I'm pretty sure she's retarded, actually, and I'm just stating that as a fact. SHe rolls off tables when she's happy. Not very bright. ALso, she has mutant kittens. It's just weird, and often gross. They're often bald, too big/small, and dead or dying. She had a cute orange one that lived for 3 weeks- then died suddenly. This one looks exactly like her, down to the orange spot on it's ear, and it's a girl (named Helen of Troy for now, possibly Macbeth later) so I'm thinking if it lives Juliet will finally die....
Worth A While
I’m not a genius
I’m not interesting
Or worth much time
I’m not perfect
I’m not witty
I’m not even optimistic
Or worth much effort
I can’t say how much I love you
I can only hold your hand tightly
I’m not mesmerizing
Or energetic
But in his eyes I become
What I always longed to be
He thinks I’m a gorgeous, smart, feisty woman
He tells me I’m flawless, funny, and bright
He squeezes my hand right back
Bring me up out of my every funk
He says I’m dazzling and wild
As if his time and effort are never
Wasted on me
And if they are, he says
It’s time well wasted
Slowdancin In A Burnin Room
No matter where he went,
Destroyed everything he touched
He met a girl who had pretended
That she was ‘good’ for so long
She no longer knew where the façade ended
And she began
There once was a boy
Who was never happy for very long
He met a girl who could only dream of normality
He saw the girl for what she was
She knew him better than he knew himself
And neither were satisfied with what they saw
Too many roadblocks on the way to recovery
Too many false alarms pulled
There once was a boy incapable of real love
He met a girl that wanted only that
There once was a boy
Who fell for a girl
Who couldn’t fix him
Because she was broken